Log in

No account? Create an account

How did I get here?

therealljidol - week six. Topic: Ghosts. As I glance out the…

break o' Dawn

random - kristin & maddie

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
random - kristin & maddie
therealljidol - week six.
Topic: Ghosts.

As I glance out the window and see all of the Halloween decorations, I generally feel a sense of happiness. I love the fall. And I used to LOVE Halloween as a kid. Halloween also means, at least to me, the beginning of the holiday season. And I used to LOVE that as well. But, this year is different...

Ghosts. We all have experienced them. Some of us have had experiences with "real" ghosts. Some, just with the ghosts of our own pasts. Sometimes these ghosts are in the form of other people - sometimes they are in the form of our past selves. For me, this year, right now - my biggest ghost is me. Who I was. Not that long ago.

Now, again, we all know the breakup story already. I am not trying to downplay it, it's just that I've talked about it a couple of times already - but, it was more than a breakup. For me, it was the start of my transformation.

Of course, right after he left, I was numb. I honestly feel like I was a shell of a person. My days consisted of barely speaking to anyone, watching mindless TV, and thinking - always thinking. I did horribly on my final exams (yes.. he left right before finals... excellent timing on his part, right? But, then, he always was considerate like that.... ) and I dropped my summer course before I even really gave it a chance.

A couple of months after the breakup, came another breakup. My parents who had been married for just a couple months short of 25 years split up. Of course, when you have been married for that long and have three children, it is never just about the two of you... it becomes a split up family. So, a little while later, I was put in that position that usually haunts children - "choose where you want to live.". Of course, I had only recently moved back in with my parents after having lived with "him" for three years...

I "chose" my dad, not because I like him better.. they're both my parents.. but just because I felt that he would be easier to live with.

Then, my brother who had been home for the summer, left and went back to school five hours away.

The majority of my friends really stepped up and were there for me, including some who I had barely spoken to in months. I also became much closer to other friends due to a new common bond (great, but what crappy circumstances to become closer in... ). I am not, by any means, trying to say that I lost EVERYTHING, because I didn't. Some of those friends will be reading this and to them, I say thank you...

But, even with the great friends, of course my life changed dramatically - and not for the better. I changed too. I cried a lot more. Still do, I suppose. Things that didn't matter before started mattering more, simply because I felt they should now that I was "single". Like, what I did on a Saturday night. Things as simple as family dinners became a huge source of anxiety - who was going to be there? Who's car do I travel from the resteraunt back to my grandmothers car in? Things like school have become so much harder now too - I was doing well - and then, last years finals were SO bad that I sometimes find myself in the mentality of "what's the point anymore?"

And, now, it's fall. I remember last Halloween, handing out candy with him then spending time with my family. I remember last holiday season with him - our best yet. And I get nervous. I don't know how to do this without him.. I don't know how we are going to have our first family holiday season when our family has been cut in two - I sometimes work myself into such a panic over these things that I forget how to breathe and all I can do is remember how it was...

My ghost is myself. My former self. I haunt myself with memories of how happy I used to be, how great my life used to be, and how much potential I had.

But, see.. the thing about ghosts.. is that sometimes, if you don't fight back a little, they will never leave. I am trying. I am trying SO damn hard to do that. I talk myself through things every day. I draw inspiration from friends and other people (I totally read an article about Marcia Cross the other day that I took inspiration from.) who have been through similar, or even worse, situations and have made it through. I remind myself of the good things in my life, and try to surround myself with positive people. But, even still.. at least for now...

My ghost is myself. And, I haunt myself every damn day.
Powered by LiveJournal.com