January 17th, 2010
April 16th, 2009
January 9th, 2009
NOTE: This entry is pretty personal... I mean, when I write, it always tends to get personal, but this one especially... and it could be triggering... maybe.
It started off with just some headaches. I had suffered from headaches forever! Even as a kid, I got headaches a lot... so, it totally wasn't a big deal.
Then, I started being tired. Like, at all the time. But, that made sense, right? I mean.. I was a full time student. We're always tired... right?
Then, I started getting dizzy... and that's where this story begins.
I remember closing my eyes as I lay down.... it was the weirdest feeling... like I was floating or something.
"Maybe you should see a doctor." my ex-fiance (well, he wasn't an ex then.) suggested.
"I'm fine." I muttered. "It's just... headaches.. dizzines... whatever.. no big deal..."
He rolled his eyes, but went about his business.
But, his voice and his words nagged at me. Maybe there was something wrong. Maybe..... but, not wrong enough that I needed to go to a doctor, right? (I have had doctor-issues for a long time too, haha.)
Maybe. But, I couldn't be sure. So, before I went to a doctor, I decided to take matters into my own hands. And THAT was my first mistake. That is where the madness started.
I did something that no one should ever do, ESPECIALLY no one that has anxiety issues. I googled. I googled my symptoms and, of course, got the worst case scenario. It jumped out at me. It was on every single Google result.
Brain tumor.
From there, it was all downhill. At first, it didn't make me too crazy... there was a nagging thing inside of me wondering if maybe that's what it could be, but I dismissed it.... at first. Until I couldn't anymore.
It started small. I just couldn't get rid of that thought that that was what was wrong with me. But, then, the nagging thought in the back of my mind became one in the front of my mind. And it didn't just nag - it CONTROLLED. It became all I could think about.
My body suddenly came up with new symptoms. Certain parts of my body would feel numb. At one point, the entire half of my face felt numb. And every minute, I went over the thought that I had this tumor in my brain that was going to kill me. It was literally ALL I could think or talk about.
I feel bad for all of the people that had to endure it back then. All of them would say the same thing: "It's not a brain tumor, Steph. But, if you're so worried go to the doctor and get it checked out."
And yet, for all of my breakdowns.. I didn't go.
Then, one day, I was on a weekend vacation with the boy.. and while trying to forget about everything and enjoy myself, I just couldn't. I still felt all of the symptoms... the old ones.. the new ones.. all of which (of course.) were CLASSIC symptoms of this brain tumor.
And that was when I lost it. I was in the car and I just went into a COMPLETE panic. I mean... I don't even know where it all came from. One minute, I was just sitting there thinking and the next minute, there was crying and shaking and... well, we don't need to get into specifics, I guess. But, let's just say that this was pretty damn close to a nervous breakdown.
He decided to take me to the ER. I didn't argue. I couldn't. I was completely out of it. I don't even know how to describe it... it was almost like I was outside of my body watching myself freak out but being unable to stop it. I went into the ER, crying and screaming, and after, oh, I don't know, FOUR or so hours, they checked me out and told me it was my anxiety. It had created symptoms that I had read about online. The original migraines were just that - migraines. The dizziness came from stress and exhaustion.
Well, that was that, right? You would think that would be enough. But, no. Somehow *I* knew better than the doctors at the hospital. The symptoms stayed on, and from that point on, I was almost constantly in "breakdown" mode. I wasn't always crying and screaming, but I always felt like it.
And then, one day, I reached my limit again. It was after having that same attack for the third time that I called my old therapist who had helped me with my anxiety issues when I was a kid and BEGGED him to see me. I went with my mom and in the car, breakdown mode took over again. My mom just looked at me and sighed.
"You're cracking up." she said.
That just made me cry harder at the time.
We got to the therapists office and he took about six minutes to make me feel completely better about everything. I still don't understand how he did that, but I guess that's what he is trained to do. I was diagnosed with some SEVERE health anxiety and was given anxiety pills to help with the panic attacks.
Sure enough, once those were taken care of, my mysterious symptoms went away too - except the headaches and the sometimes dizziness. I still get those.
And - here's the good news! - the other day, my tooth started to hurt. Like... a lot. I googled again (some things never change..) and right away "mouth cancer" cane up.
"What the hell?!" I thought. "That's SO not what this is."
And it ended there. I didn't think it was.
And sure enough, it wasn't. It was a damn tooth infection which now has spread into my bone. Awesome, right?! LOL. But, at least it's fixable! And apparently, so was I. :D
January 2nd, 2009
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therealljidol, week fourteen. topic: resolute.I never used to believe in New Years resolutions.
I know that might sound a little weird.. I mean, they aren't really something to believe in or not believe in.. there is no question as to whether or not they exist... but, even as a child, I was a firm believer that they were silly. "If you want to resolve to do something differently, just DO IT. Don't wait until January the 1st." I would say stubbornly. In fact - I was quite famous for these beliefs. I tolerated my friends and family and their resolutions, but I never made one of my own.. not really. In fact, it was only in the past year or two that New Years even got recognized by me. (other than wishing people a happy new year, of course.)
And then, last year happened.
To be frank, I was already in quite an.. uh.. interesting place at the end of 2007. Between losing my uncle to cancer, my anxiety and panic attacks at a new level of intense, and the other dramatic things that had happened, I was desperate for my life to change.. so, for the first time in my life, at New Years, the thought of resolutions got some attention on New Years eve. But, still... I didn't make any.
And then... well, yeah. I already said it.
Last year happened.
In the past 365 days, there have been moments where I literally felt as if I was standing outsid of myself, watching this persons life unravel. As if I were a character in some movie. There were moments where I barely knew who I was (as cliche as that sounds.. it was true.) or who I had become.
And, as the new year approached and my friends and family started with their resolutions.. I told myself that maybe there was something to this. Maybe there was something to taking this new year and looking at it as a new opportunity. That maybe other people have the right idea...
They would laugh if they heard this... some of them might be laughing right now as they read this, because you guys are the first people I am telling this to.
But, I made a resolution for the year 2009. It's not one of those "work out more." or "get more sleep" type resolutions.. it is simply that in 2009, I need to do things differently. I need to do one thing that I didn't really do in 2008. And... and I know this is going to sound corny as hell, but I've already gone this far, so why not tell you this part too... I even wrote it down and carry it in my purse. Honestly.
In fact, I am glancing down at it right now.. my resolution written down, summed up in one word, and four letters...
Live.
December 18th, 2008
"Eat those over your dishes." she says. "I don't need you dripping all over my stairs."
I roll my eyes. Who cares if something stains these ugly brown stairs? But, I say nothing and obediently place my Popsicle in my plate, glancing up at her expectantly.
She smiles and sits down, leaning up against the door. "Ouch." she almost always said as some bone or other cracked. My brother giggled. I sighed impatiently.
"Should be eating fruit." she mutters shaking her head. But, I know she's just saying that. She always gives us the best snacks, the ones that we don't get at home.
"Bubbie!" my brother shrieks, finally getting annoyed. "Tell already!"
"Tell what?" my grandmother replies. But, her eyes are shining the way that they always do when we use our pet name for her. (Bubbie means grandmother in Yiddish, I think.)
"THE STORY!" my brother says.
"Hm... do you want to hear the one about the seven headed man?" she asks, knowing full well what the answer is going to be.
"NO!" we yell out laughing. This is a familiar game to us.
"How about... the king and his three daughters?"
"Nope." we say again, still giggling.
"Okay." she says, smiling. She knows when to stop pushing.
I smile expectantly and draw my knees up to my chest, forgetting all about the dripping Popsicle. My brother glances over and then does the same. I roll my eyes. He is SUCH a copycat!!!
"The Wishing Well." she says softly and we both snap to attention. Here it is. The story we both come over and wait to hear.
"Once upon a time," she starts and I turn to my brother.
"Don't interrupt her this time!" I hiss. He sticks his tongue out at me in response, but does what I tell him.
"Once upon a time," she begins again after we're done talking. "There lived a father with two daughters. The family was very very poor and one day the father said to his daughters "Go out and sell some flowers that you pick from the yard." The daughters do as their father says.
They pick the flowers and then walk and walk and walk until they get to a huge castle. One of the daughters says "Maybe we shouldn't bother the people who live here. They are very rich and probably very busy." The other daughter shakes her head. "No, let's just go already, this is boring, I want to go home."
My brother blurts out "The bad daughter is the one who wants to go home, right?!"
I exhale sharply and my grandmother just smiles.
"So, they go up to the castle and they call "Hello? Hello?" and nobody answers. And then a man comes out of nowhere and looks at them. 'Are you lost'? he asks them.
'No.' one of the girls said. 'We are very poor and our father asked us to sell some flowers.'
The man nodded his head. 'Well, I don't have any money to buy flowers right now.' he said. 'But, I have some advice for you.'
'No thank you.' one of the girls said. 'We don't need advice. We need money.'
'Shhhhh.' shushed her sister. 'Sorry, sir. Please, we'd like to hear your advice.'
'Over there, there is a wishing well.' the man said. 'And it's a magic wishing well. And if you look in that wishing well and wish very hard you will get exactly what you deserve. But, be careful - there will be some people between here and there.'
'Okay!' the sisters said. They weren't listening. They were just hoping to finally get what they deserved"
"The bad one deserved badness right?!" my brother yelled. I sighed again. I knew he was only three, but for goodness sake!
"Go on, Bubbie." I said trying to sound adult as I made a face at my brother.
"So, the girls made their way towards the wishing well and on the way they found a beautiful woman. One of the girls started thinking: 'Oh! This must be the girl we have to impress in order to get whatever we deserve from the wishing well!'.
'Hello Madame." she said smoothly, charmingly.
'Hello little ones.' the beautiful woman said. 'What are you doing here?'
Immediately the younger sister " - "the nice one!" yelled my brother - "was scared. She didn't want to get in trouble for looking for the wishing well - after all, maybe the well belonged to that woman! But, she knew she couldn't lie.
'We are going to - ' 'oh, we are just walking around the forrest!' her sister interrupted her with.
The beautiful woman raised her eyebrow. 'Oh, I see!' she exclaimed. 'What are you hoping to find?'
'The wishing - ' the younger sister started to say. 'Nothing!' the older one snapped.
The beautiful woman nodded knowingly. 'I see.' she said. 'Well, good luck girls.'
As she glided off, the older sister turned to the younger one. 'What were you doing?!' she yelled. 'You can't tell her what we are looking for!'
'But, you lied.' the younger one said softly. 'It's not good to lie.'
'It's okay to lie when you're going to get something so so so good out of it' her sister explained quickly. 'Come on.'
She walked ahead, a smile on her face, because she knew she had done well by not telling the woman where they were going. That was their test, afterall, right? The man had said to be careful of the people.. and she had been."
My brother groaned. "She's stupid." he said. "SHHHHH!" I said. "She's almost done, then you can talk!"
"So," my grandmother continued. "The two girls made their way to the wishing well. It wasn't too much farther to run and they had gotten there in only a few minutes. But, all of a sudden, just when they were about to make their wish, they saw a frog
'Oh, look!" exclaimed the younger one joyfully. 'A frog!'
'Oh, who cares?' said her sister. 'Who cares about a smelly old frog, we are about to get so much money!'
Suddenly, they heard a voice.
'Before you do that..' the frog said. 'I need your help.'
The older girl stopped twirling and glared at the frog. 'What do you want? And why should we help you, you're just a smelly stinky old frog!'
'I have not had any food in three days' the frog said sadly. 'I hurt my leg and cannot get up to that hill. But, there's food, just over there. It would only take you one minute.'
'Maybe we should - ' the younger girl started saying. The older one shook her head. 'No! We have no time for such things now!'
'But - '
The older sister sighed. 'I said no. Now, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY FROG!!!!'
And with that, the older sister kicked the frog."
At this point in the story, I always started to feel a little anxious. Not only because I knew what was coming - I think I just felt bad for the poor frog.
"'Wait a second!' the older girl said, ignoring the fact that her little sister was crying because she kicked the frog away. 'We don't know what to do now that we got here! Do we lean in?'
'I can help you.' said a voice. The girls looked up and it was the man from before. He smiled at them.
'Did you meet many people along the way?' he asked.
'Only you and one beautiful woman.' they answered. 'And a frog.' the younger one said softly.
The man nodded his head. 'Well, I can tell you what you need to do in order to get what I told you that you would get.'
The girls clapped gleefully and the man opened his mouth as if prepared to speak, but suddenly tripped over a rock that was sitting there.
'Oh no!' the younger sister cried rushing over to help him.
'ASK HIM WHAT WE DO!!!' yelled the older sister, her exciting so high she could hardly stand it.
'But, he's hurt!' the younger girl said. 'We should get him a doctor.'
'Yes.' the man said softly. 'I need a doctor. I will tell you what to do and then if you want, you can stay here and get your treasures... or you can come to the doctor with me. All you have to do is spin around three times and then lean over and ask the wishing well for what it is you deserve.'
'Okay.' the younger girl said softly, wishing with all of her heart that she could just stay there. But, she knew she had to help the man first. 'Now, let me help you get to a doctor. Aren't you going to help?' she asked her sister. But, her selfish sister had already started spinning. Before anyone could think, she leaned over the well and shouted 'Give me what I deserve!!!!'
There was silence for a second and then suddenly the well opened up and thousands of frogs and snakes jumped out. 'What is happening?!?!?!' yelled the older sister as the frogs started chasing after her.
The man sighed and stood up.
'Why - you don't seem hurt at all!' the younger girl said.
'I have a secret to tell you.' he said. 'I am the owner of this wishing well. I had to give you a test before I could tell what you deserved. I have a huge fortune and I am old and soon I will die. There is nothing I would like better than to give it to some nice girls since I have no children of my own.'
'So... you tricked us!' the young girl said.
'Kind of. And for that, I apologize.' he said softly. 'Why don't you try asking the well and then we'll try to find your sister?'
'But - but why would I want to do that, it will just hurt me like it did her.'
The man shook his head. 'No. You see... you tried to tell the beautiful woman the truth. You tried to get the frog his food. And you were going to go with me to the doctor. Perhaps you passed the test more than your sister. Now, try.'
The little girl was scared, but had been been taught to always do what her elders said and so she spun around and asked the well to give her what she deserves... and the well opened up and there was so much gold and diamonds and money. The young girl started crying.
'Oh, this will save our family!' she sobbed. 'Oh, thank you sir!'
'No. Thank you.' the man said. 'Thank you for telling the truth, for caring about others, and for helping others out. That is why you got the gold. Now, should we find your sister?'
The young girl sighed. 'I suppose.' she said. 'But, let's take the gold with us!'"
I always laughed at this point, because I knew that was supposed to be the funny ending, but to be honest, there wasn't much funny by this point. You see... I knew the reason my grandmother had always told us this story when we were young. It was to teach us lessons. To be nice. To not be selfish. To tell the truth.
But, I wondered often, as I stood up and collected my brothers Popsicle dish and my own and then handed it to my grandmother. I wondered if she knew that the most important lesson that I took from her story was how important family is. The nice sister still ran and found her mean sister. The old man didn't have any family and was obviously sad about it. And the girls loves their father.
At this moment, I would feel really guilty for being so impatient with my brother and would spend the remainder of the day being extra nice to him.
It was this story (well at least partially.) that always made me remember to appreciate what I had. To be careful with how I spoke to and treated my family. I truly believe that this story is part of the reason why I have such a good relationship with my family, my brother, my sister, my grandmother... etc... and for that reason... it is so completely and totally.. my absolute favourite story of all time.
December 11th, 2008
After a long chat of "that's not who I am." and "I can't!" she finally got me to at least discuss the topic. The name of an ex boyfriend of mine came up. One who I dated in high school for quite awhile. She asked why we broke up, and I told her we just weren't meant to be together. Her next question was: "Well... was he good?"
"At what?" I asked tiredly, glancing at the clock. I was exhausted and ready to end this seemingly depressing conversation about lack of sex and ex boyfriends.
"At what. What do you think, girl?!" was her response.
"Oh."
Oh.
I hesitated before giving my answer because I was actually worried about her reaction. One of my closest friends and her reaction scared me.
"I have no idea."
"What?!" she yelped, much as I'd expected. "You dated this guy for months and you never - I mean - you - what?!?!"
'Tis true. My lack of experience is mind boggling, to many. I am twenty four years old and have had sex with one person in my entire life. I don't know HOW good the sex was (although I am not denying that it certainly wasn't bad.), because I don't have anything to compare it to.
I am not the kind of person who can have flings, or have sex on the first, second, perhaps even third date. Not to say I judge people that do. Not at all. It's just not what I can do.
When I hear people speak of sexual healing now, it is usually in the sense that they are telling me to find someone to apply this "healing" to my life. Now. And I simply can't do that. I need to feel a certain amount of comfort with the person. I need to know them. And I may even go so far as to say I need to love them.
And, so I know nothing of this supposed sexual healing that heals you of your feelings of being sad and lonely. That is not to say I don't believe that it works for some people - I am sure it does. But, it wouldn't work for me.
That doesn't mean I know nothing of sexual healing though.
I know of the healing that can come with lying down after an incredibly difficult day and feeling an immediate connection with the one person in the world who you love the most.
I know of the healing that makes you feel as if, just for a little while, you are one person.
I know of the healing that makes you believe that you fit together so perfectly, you must be meant for each other.
And, even though I was wrong, and we clearly were not meant for each other... that certainly does not mean that I do not know the power of "sexual healing".
So, perhaps I am not incredibly experienced on the topic. Perhaps I'm not even experienced enough to be writing this entry. But, I would like to think otherwise...
December 4th, 2008
Okay. So, I wrestled with this topic for awhile. See.. I've been called many things in my life and have had many insults thrown at me as we all have.. but vain was never one of them. Not that I'm saying I have never been vain.. I mean.. we all have, right? But, it just didn't seem like I had enough on this topic to write an entry about... and then something occurred to me.
Part of being vain is assuming that everything is about you, right? And.. that does not really have to mean in a positive light, either.
Let me explain.
Since I was young, I always thought that things were about me. But, not in the "Oh my god, I'm so fantastically great, I am the center of the Universe" way... more in the "Oh crap, something bad is going on, it must have something to do with me." kind of way.
I mean.. I'm talking MAJOR. A police car shows up at the mall I work at and I wonder if I did something. Three people I've never met before burst out laughing and I assume they're talking about me. Someone doesn't respond to a text message or something and I assume that they hate me instead of the more simple possibilities - they're busy or they just forgot.
It got to the point where my grandmother used to roll her eyes and tell me to get over myself. My GRANDMOTHER!
At one point, I mentioned it to my therapist... she wondered if I was paranoid. I had to take some tests and answer some questions, and it turns out that yes I am paranoid - but not in the "paranoid disorder" type way.
I moved on with my life and tried to overcome it all, thinking that not everything was about me. It got worse with my last relationship when I would constantly feel like everytime he was in a bad mood it was about me, or everytime he would say something I thought he was lying. Seriously, by the end of it I was going crazy, wondering if maybe I DID have some kind of disorder now.
Funny thing though - in the end, so much of my so-called "paranoia" (which my ex certainly encouraged me to think that I did, in fact, have.) turned out to be intuition. And a lot of what I feared was actually true.
That definitely made me step back and think and look at me and how things were going... and I realized that except for all the stuff that happened with my ex, I really was doing better.
Then, last night, I heard from a friend about some drama going on between two other friends... and immediately, my brain went into overdrive wondering if somehow I could have something to do with it.
So, I guess that even if it does get better, it never fully goes away.
And maybe that's not the entry that people were expecting with the "vain" topic... but after really thinking about it, I've realized that being paranoid is, in a sense, being quite vain.
It's not very fun though... :(
November 25th, 2008
Now, I am going to come right out and say that in Canada, we are thankful a month earlier than you guys do in the US. Our Thanksgiving is in October. But, that's alright. I'm still thankful for things. So, here we go...
My family.
For real. I mean, they're crazy for sure. That's not even a question. But... they have shown me in the past eight months that they really are supportive and on my side which is something I had questioned in the past. My dad and I can talk about almost anything. My mom and I, when we aren't in one of our "fights", have amazing conversations. My brother is one of my best friends. My sister is a good friend too, even though she is thirteen and there are many thefts regarding my clothes and such... haha. My aunt, who only recently lost her husband (my uncle.) last year... she makes me laugh and she lets me talk to her about real issues. Way back when I could never talk to my mom so my aunt would step up.. now I can talk to my mom but.. I have NEVER stopped talking to my aunt about things and I don't see a time that I will. My cousins - Hayden and Sierra who are two of my favourite people in the world. They inspire me daily with their strength and courage and just all around amazingness and I love them. My aunts and uncles on my fathers side who I rarely get to see.... they still matter. They still stepped up when I needed my family - and, hey, they even want to fly me down to Florida to see them. Same goes with my cousins from that side of the family - including my cousin who just had a baby a few months ago that I can't WAIT to meet
My friends.
I am not one of those people who change groups of friends often. I will get new friends, but that only means I have more friends. I don't CHANGE my friends. Some of my best friends have been friends of mine since I was 12 - the two oldest friends I have.. I met one of them when I was 9 and one of them.. well, we were practically born together. They're still two of my best friends. I love that. I love that I was lucky enough to find people when I was really young that would turn out to be such great people that I would be able to have them in my life as my close friends for such a long time. And to those who I didn't know for as long - it doesn't really matter. I still love you guys, and I am still lucky as hell to have you - there WILL be a long future on these friendships. See.. I don't really terminate friendships unless I see a serious need. Like, if someone is threatening to kill me. Or if someone.. well, anyway;. There are really only two friendships that I have actively stopped and one of them was, quite frankly, stopped by the other friend... I just wasn't informed. And then a week and a half after my breakup, while my heart was still broken in half.. well, then I was informed that our friendship was over. ANYWAY. :)
Then, there are my friends who I have met online. My LJ girls who I've known for years and who I love to death. I know that I am not around to read everything as much as I used to be, but I really am going to try to do that more, because you guys seriously mean a lot to me even though I have never met most of you.
My friends that I originally met on MySpace.. so many of you have been SO good for me, Seriously, I just decided to add an actress that I had loved in a movie to my MySpace friends and somehow that introduced me to not only THAT actress, who I now consider a good friend of mine - but, also a whole community of people - aspiring actresses, successful actresses... I made such good friends because of that... and to be honest, a select few of the people who I got to meet were already actresses/actors... and they have done nothing but inspire me and helped me out and given me amazing advice.. all while eventually becoming people that I consider really good friends. :)
My dog.
No, I am not kidding. I don't know what I would do without my Max and I love him to death. :)
Myself.
Is that weird? No, but really. I am thankful that I have me. After the hell that I went through this year, I was a MESS for a good long time and I spent a lot of time thinking things through and debating what to do and I would like to think that I was kind of strong.. for myself. And now, when I have questions or when things come up, I know how to handle them. I don't sit there and agonize and worry, I have learned the best way to deal with certain situations and I deal with them. And I am thankful for the time that I have to myself as well, because lord knows we all need some of that!
And...
I am thankful for the roof over my head, the food I eat, my ability to write and perform music, my ability to get on stage and act, the TV I get to watch using my awesome Tivo... haha. Really, though.. as I look at the world around us and what is happening and what is going to happen.. I know that there are a lot of questions and there are a lot of fear. But, I am grateful for everything that we do have right now. Everything that we can be sure about. And I am grateful for the hope that we now have for the future.
Those are some of the things I am thankful for... to list them all would go on FOREVER...
November 17th, 2008
So, moving day had come. I wasn't even fully packed yet. Go figure. But, I figured... whatever. I was only moving onto my schools campus about twenty minutes away. If I forgot something.. whatever. I wasn't that far away. So, me, my parents, and one of my best friends hopped into the car with my luggage and made our merry way towards freedom.
My thoughts were going a mile a minute. "I can't wait. Oh my god, this is going to be amazing. Oh my - oh my god, what in the hell...". We had arrived at the campus. It was a ZOO. And that was putting it mildly. It was raining and it took like half an hour to figure out which room I was in. But, then we got it. We walked in and saw... my roommate. Oh yeah. I had forgotten about her in all of the excitement. But, hey, that was okay. We had communicated over email for awhile and she seemed nice enough. Besides, we actually had separate bedrooms, we just shared a bathroom. No big deal. Except.. well, why was her stuff in both rooms? Refusing to be daunted, I asked her:
"Hey.. [insert roomates name here.. actually.. we'll call her B.]. Why is your, um.. stuff in both rooms?"
"Oh," was her reply. "I haven't figured out which one I want yet."
Uh huh. Okay. So, we sit there for a bit as she figures out which one is better. (I am not gonna lie to you guys. They were both exactly the same.) Then, her mom and her sister leave and it's just us and her. I get my stuff unpacked, and glance around. This doesn't look like home. This roommate of mine who has no been singing some Broadway musical song at the top of her lungs totally off key.. I have to live with her? (Don't get me wrong, I adore Broadway musicals. Just, not sung by her. I'm just sayin'." I glance at my best friend who is already inching towards the door. She's made her opinion clear from the beginning. What the HELL is this place? Something along those lines. Then I shift my glance to my parents. "Mom?" I say softly. I suddenly don't want them to leave. But, they do. A blur of hugs, and words like "We'll see you soon. Call us. Have fun!".
I blink a few times when they're gone and swiftly whipe that wet thing off my face. Come on, Steph. What's wrong with you? This is what you WANTED. FREEDOM! My roommate comes in and suggest we go hang out with some of the rest of the freshmen. Yes. This is good. I glance once more at my computer which would not have the internet for four more days (something I was UNAWARE of until I got there.) and then agree to go with her, holding onto my cell phone.
We meet some people. Two guys. One of them immediately starts hitting on me. I tell him I have a boyfriend. He spends the rest of the few minutes we stood with them (really, the rest of the year.) asking me how serious it was and if I was SURE that it was going to last forever. Because, if not... *sigh*. Then, we met some short-ish girl with pink hair. She seemed interesting at least. And she told me she was going to teach me how to play the guitar. Alright then. Cool. (Actually, that girls name is Faithe and she remains a very good friend of mine to this day. She might even be reading this. Hi Faithe!).
We mingle some more, turning each corner to find a group of people drinking (this was like 2:00 pm) or smoking up at each point. This was weird. Okay, no. This was NOT what I wanted.
My then boyfriend arrived. He was over it from the moment he stepped in, which is okay. I mean, he was eight years old than I was.. for him, this was "been there, done that." I pleaded with him to get me the fuck out of there. He obliged and we spent that day together. But, he eventually had to take me back.
The next few days was a whirlwind. It seemed at every turn things got weirder and weirder. One of the few friends I had made thus far, packed up her stuff and went home. My roommmate got weirder and weirder and found a boyfriend very quickly who was even weirder than she was. After only two days, I had her number - my money went missing, dishes in the sink piled up towards the ceiling, and their loud sexual encounters still haunt my dreams. Also, the fridge smelled from.. whatever they had put in there. (They took out my alcohol to make room for their funny smelling things. And drank it. Another lovely habit.) Thank god for Faithe and her roommate Michelle and my other friend Melly, or I would have LOST it. As it was I came pretty close. I broke down a few times and called my parents begging them to let me come home.
"This isn't what I wanted1" I cried out. "I'm not ready for this!"
They wouldn't budge. Understandably so, now. Then, I thought they were evil. EVIL.
My boyfriend couldn't do much to help either. He was living with his parents again, trying to save up some money.
I didn't get it. With no one telling me what to do and how to do it, I was left to figure it out by myself. I didn't like that.
And the classes - oh the classes were nothing like high school. This was HARD.
I tried. I tried and I tried, but I could not adapt to this "grown up" life. I couldn't handle being on my own with all of this freedom. I couldn't handle the crazy roommate. I just wasn't ready for any of it. My first semester marks were dismal, to say the least. I didn't eat for awhile.. no, I mean, I COULDN'T eat, so high was my anxiety. I lost weight and then put it (and more) back on second semester when I started to use eating as a way of coping with the stress of it all.
For the first little while (okay, almost the whole year.), I wanted to be back at home. I recognized how odd it was, that I wanted to be back at home. After all, I was the one who pushed to be out in the first place. I was the one who couldn't WAIT to get out.
We eventually came to an agreement - I spent the week on campus and on Friday nights, I went home until Sunday. But, even with that agreement, I was unhappy. Totally unhappy.
I didn't get it then.. but I guess now I do. There is a difference between wanting something - and being READY for that same something.
After that year, I moved in with my boyfriend. We lived together for three years until we broke up this past April, and while I was living with him I was fine. Ironically, I now live with my dad and want to get out again. Go figure. But, it's not so bad anymore.. and now I know that when I do get out, I'll be fine. I just wasn't ready then. I was totally and completely unprepared for the life that I thought I wanted.
Live and learn...
November 13th, 2008
Now, I'm not talking about basically making yourself into a doormat who lets other people walk all over you. That isn't what I mean. Don't do that. That's bad. I understand all about having to look after yourself, because if you don't - who will? TRUST ME, I understand that. But, come on, people, there is a LINE.
For example - you want a seat on a bus. Well, hey, that's cool. I mean, hell, it's been a long day, you're tired. We get that. I am all for trying to get a seat on a bus. Here is what I am not for: Getting a seat on the bus because the woman who was originally sitting there, misjudged where the seat was, and fell on her ass. And, instead of helping her (I mean, the woman was probably in her 80's), you go and claim her seat. Ridiculous! Are you kidding me?!
Or, oh my goodness, okay. If you live in a big city, you'll know what I'm talking about here - CABS. Yes. You are in a hurry. You need to get to where you're going. That does NOT make it okay to ZOOM in front of another person who is about to get into a cab and STEAL THAT CAB FROM THEM. It is NOT okay to do that! There are LOTS of cabs around, wait your turn! Why do you think that what YOU have to do is more important than what another person has to do?!
Or, okay, so today I was calling an oral surgeon.. I have to get my wisdom teeth out. It'll be good times for sure. And this receptionist puts me on hold for TWENTY minutes. Ridiculous! So, finally I hang up and call back and she's like "Sorry, I had to finish eating." You had to - are you kidding me?!?! All I'm trying to do is book an APPOINTMENT! You don't put a person on hold for twenty minutes because you are EATING! Take a break! Write their name down on the calander and THEN go back to your food!
Common courtesy. Common decency. Looking out for someone other than yourself once in awhile. That's all - really - is it that difficult?
I mean, again.. I understand you do need to look out for yourself. do. But, COME ON - sometimes, it just gets ridiculous.
November 7th, 2008
What do we name it?
Hope is the right word - hope is the bravest, most beautiful bird in the sky.
These are the lyrics to a song that was just released. The song is performed by Idina Menzel. (The original Elphaba in Wicked, Maureen in RENT, Nancy from the movie Enchanted.... etc.) I would absolutely post the song, but it is not yet released to the public and only to members of her fan club.. so I can't.
It's funny though. Of all the weeks for a song entitled "Hope" to come out, this was certainly a good one.
As I sat there watching history being made this past Tuesday, I thought a lot about the word "hope" and about this entry that I still had to write. I wasn't sure what I was going to do it on. Part of me wanted to discuss the new soon-to-be president of the United States. Part of wanted to discuss my own life and the hope that I have found or lost among the way. Part of me just wanted to talk about Idina's new song and what it did for me - and I kept on trying to figure out what to do... and now it's Thursday night. I have to write the entry. And I still don't know what to talk about. So - I am going to do it all.
Hope...
I think that almost every one of us has lost hope before. Whether we have lost hope for ourselves, for other people in our lives, or for the entire world.. we have all felt the feeling of hopelessness. And, really, I think that that is one of the worst feelings to have. When you have no hope, what do you have?
You all know (if you have been reading.) that I have had a tough year. I sure felt that sense of hopelessness a lot. But, not anymore. I won't let myself anymore. I am finding hope wherever I can.
Everyone finds hope in different places.. here's where I find it.
In children. In particular, my cousin. I look at her and I see a child who has been through so much already. Her father died when she was only five. She had to learn, so early, about the life, and death, and loss. And, yet, she fiercely believes that she will see him again in heaven. She believes that he still loves her and that that is what is important. Her attitude gives me hope every single day. And, children in general. It sounds corny, but they ARE the future.
In my friends, and family, and even some people that I don't even know who have been through such horrible hardships but have managed to be strong and stick it through and have TRULY gotten through it. At one point, they held no hope for their own futures. Now, so many of them are so much happier than they ever thought possible. And some of them still aren't happy, but they keep waking up and getting out of bed every morning and living. And they know that eventually... things will be okay.
In the song I posted above. I don't know why, but it truly inspired me from the first moment that I heard it... even just the line I posted. It reminded me that you DO have to have hope, even when it's hard and that there is nothing better.
In people that are in love. No matter who they love - no matter what race, what gender, whatever. The people who love each other unconditionally, who have somehow managed to find each other in this crazy world and hold on to each other and cherish each other.
And... where else do I find hope? I hesitated in putting this in, because I don't want to upset anyone who may not feel the same, but I feel that I would almost be lying if I didn't include it, since it IS where so much of my hope is coming from these days.
In this man and his wife and his daughters and his vice president and his supporters.
In the country that he will soon be running even though I don"t even live ther.
I truly feel that whether you are an Obama supporter or not... that this still inspires hope. Look at how far the world has come. Yes - the fact that Obama is bi racial is not the reason that he should have been elected - and I don't think it was. But, I also do feel that this fact has to be brought to attention. I think it speaks such huge volumes of where we are today versus where we were not so long ago.
And, of course, there is so much more than his race. There is him. Who he is. What he stands for. He does give me hope. In fact, I have never in my life felt more hopeful than I did when Barack Obama was elected the next president of the United States.
And, you know what? Sometimes, I think it's HARD to have hope. What if you have all this hope and then you get let down? Won't that hurt more than if you just expect the worst all the time?
It might. But, to me.. to walk around with no hope, with no positive thinking that tomorrow will be better than today - to me, that is far worse than the chance of being let down. But, yes - hoping is hard. Hoping is brave. But, hoping.. is so worth it.
Hope truly is the bravest, most beautiful bird in the sky.
October 28th, 2008
Quick question: does anyone need a website? Or know anyone who does? I have a friend who does amazing work for really cheap prices and she could use some work.... just passing it along.. plus, she has a cool referral system in place, so I can make a few dollars too which is nice.. haha. If you know anyone, please let me know. :)
October 27th, 2008
therealljidol - week six.Topic: Ghosts.
As I glance out the window and see all of the Halloween decorations, I generally feel a sense of happiness. I love the fall. And I used to LOVE Halloween as a kid. Halloween also means, at least to me, the beginning of the holiday season. And I used to LOVE that as well. But, this year is different...
Ghosts. We all have experienced them. Some of us have had experiences with "real" ghosts. Some, just with the ghosts of our own pasts. Sometimes these ghosts are in the form of other people - sometimes they are in the form of our past selves. For me, this year, right now - my biggest ghost is me. Who I was. Not that long ago.
Now, again, we all know the breakup story already. I am not trying to downplay it, it's just that I've talked about it a couple of times already - but, it was more than a breakup. For me, it was the start of my transformation.
Of course, right after he left, I was numb. I honestly feel like I was a shell of a person. My days consisted of barely speaking to anyone, watching mindless TV, and thinking - always thinking. I did horribly on my final exams (yes.. he left right before finals... excellent timing on his part, right? But, then, he always was considerate like that.... ) and I dropped my summer course before I even really gave it a chance.
A couple of months after the breakup, came another breakup. My parents who had been married for just a couple months short of 25 years split up. Of course, when you have been married for that long and have three children, it is never just about the two of you... it becomes a split up family. So, a little while later, I was put in that position that usually haunts children - "choose where you want to live.". Of course, I had only recently moved back in with my parents after having lived with "him" for three years...
I "chose" my dad, not because I like him better.. they're both my parents.. but just because I felt that he would be easier to live with.
Then, my brother who had been home for the summer, left and went back to school five hours away.
The majority of my friends really stepped up and were there for me, including some who I had barely spoken to in months. I also became much closer to other friends due to a new common bond (great, but what crappy circumstances to become closer in... ). I am not, by any means, trying to say that I lost EVERYTHING, because I didn't. Some of those friends will be reading this and to them, I say thank you...
But, even with the great friends, of course my life changed dramatically - and not for the better. I changed too. I cried a lot more. Still do, I suppose. Things that didn't matter before started mattering more, simply because I felt they should now that I was "single". Like, what I did on a Saturday night. Things as simple as family dinners became a huge source of anxiety - who was going to be there? Who's car do I travel from the resteraunt back to my grandmothers car in? Things like school have become so much harder now too - I was doing well - and then, last years finals were SO bad that I sometimes find myself in the mentality of "what's the point anymore?"
And, now, it's fall. I remember last Halloween, handing out candy with him then spending time with my family. I remember last holiday season with him - our best yet. And I get nervous. I don't know how to do this without him.. I don't know how we are going to have our first family holiday season when our family has been cut in two - I sometimes work myself into such a panic over these things that I forget how to breathe and all I can do is remember how it was...
My ghost is myself. My former self. I haunt myself with memories of how happy I used to be, how great my life used to be, and how much potential I had.
But, see.. the thing about ghosts.. is that sometimes, if you don't fight back a little, they will never leave. I am trying. I am trying SO damn hard to do that. I talk myself through things every day. I draw inspiration from friends and other people (I totally read an article about Marcia Cross the other day that I took inspiration from.) who have been through similar, or even worse, situations and have made it through. I remind myself of the good things in my life, and try to surround myself with positive people. But, even still.. at least for now...
My ghost is myself. And, I haunt myself every damn day.
October 22nd, 2008
therealljidol week 5.A couple of weeks ago, the topic for LJ Idol had to do with bliss. You know.. one of those moments where everything is good in the world. I spent days turning that topic over and over in my head and I couldn't think of anything to write. I don't mean to say that my life is terrible or anything, by any means, but lately, as most of you know, I have not had much to be "blissful" about. So, I decided to use my "bye" (kind of like a free pass to miss a week.) that week.
That said - while I could not think of anything that would qualify as "bliss", there was something that came fairly close. I couldn't really think of a way to work it into the topic of "bliss", but I hoped I would be able to incorporate it into something later on. And, here we are. This week, LJ Idol has given us an open topic. So, I am going to talk about what I have been wanting to talk about for weeks now.
New York City. Wait. Hold up. Not just the city itself. I mean, we all know it is a fantastic place. There really is something for everyone there - and for a crazy musical theatre fan like me? There is a LOT there. But... it's more than just the city.
Let's backtrack a bit. After the breakup of that lovely long term relationship (and engagement.), I was obviously messed up for awhile. I went through the motions and was able to function and all, but nothing really made me happy anymore. My ex and I had had tickets to go see RENT in NYC in July. I have loved the musical RENT since 1998, and so I knew that despite the whole.. break up thing.. I was going to see RENT in NYC. I got a friend up for the plan, and plans were made. I was going to be in NYC for three days in July. But... I still wasn't all that excited.
Then, I got an email about a cast change that was happening in RENT. Ummm.. yeah. Suddenly, my plans changed. I had to see RENT when this new cast change was to take place. See.. the person who was going to be joining the cast was someone who I have wanted to see play that role on stage for, like, ever. Plus, she's a friend. And she's amazing. So - after a lot of work, a lot of hassle, phone calls to other friends, and a LOT of planning - I was now going to be in New York for almost two weeks.
Still, though, I wasn't thrilled. I mean.. I was excited and all.. but I wasn't thrilled. I got on the Greyhound that day, my thoughts full of what the hell had gone in my life, with just a little tiny bit of "Hm.. New York. This should be fun."
That's how I spent the bus ride there. And then.. I stepped out of the bus. Onto the New York City sidewalk. And suddenly... I can't even explain it.. but I felt like I was home. I had been to NYC before, of course, but never like this.. for this long.. as an adult.
The trip went way too fast. I saw so many of my friends, some who live there, some who also traveled down (or up...) there at the same time. We saw shows (not as many as I would have liked, but still! Shows!), we ate, we did a LOT of walking. I got to see that friend of mine perform on Broadway, performing a role that she had wanted to do for YEARS. (I cried a little, not gonna lie.) I got to go backstage at RENT at the Nederlander theatre in New York City. Now, THAT was cool. ;)
The crazy thing is... the whole time.. it was like the dark cloud that had been following me around for weeks and weeks and weeks.. it was just... gone. I literally, at one point, walked into a store and saw something that full out reminded me of the ex. I turned to my friend and went.. "I should be feeling something right now. But.. I'm not." It was amazing.
Now.. I'm not saying it's still like that. It's certainly not always sunshine and lollipops for me these days. I am no longer in that amazing headspace that I was in back then. But, now, because of that one trip, I have hope. I have knowledge that something out there can make me that happy.. and can make me forget, even temporarily, the sadness and anger that I so often carry around with me.
I'm going back this summer. And, when I am done with school, moving there, at least temporarily, is certainly an option.
And, you know... some people say it wasn't anything that amazing.. that a change of scenery always does you good.. that's all it was. But, it was more than that. I had plenty of major changes of scenery before I went to NYC. None of them felt like that.
That city is my home. That city gives me hope. That city saved my sanity... and I am so grateful.
September 22nd, 2008
therealljidol - week 1 - topic: Saying Goodbye.So... do you ever say good bye forever?
I have to admit when I saw this topic, I laughed. I mean... I am practically an expert on this subject by now. And to all of you on my friends list, you all probably think I am going to write about the breakup of my engagement... but, in fact, I am not! I know! Crazy... I am going to write, instead, about a good bye that I said on August 19th 2007.
First, I suppose I should give a little back up info. My immediate family, which consists of my parents, my brother, my sister and I (and I suppose, at the time, my then fiance Mark could be counted in that group.) is extremely close to my moms side of the family - that is, my grandmother (so, my mothers mother.) and my aunt (mom's sister.) and her family which at that time consisted of her husband, her son, and her daughter. I think I explained all that properly.. I hope so!
Okay. Moving on. So, August of 2007 really started out as any other month did. Mark (the now-ex fiance) and I had planned a trip to LA and San Fransisco which was supposed to be happening around the end of the month, and I was really excited for that... other than that.. all was normal. One evening, I was talking to my dad on the phone when he casually mentioned that my uncle (so, this is my... mothers sisters husband.) had been to his doctor recently, as he wasn't feeling well - again. I have to admit that I took the news just as casually as it was offered. See.. my uncle had Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. But.. he was better. He was in remission. He had had so many treatments done...
The next day, I got a call from my mother who was in tears. My uncles cancer was back. Again. This was, like.. the third or fourth time. I don't even remember right now. And the doctors were at a loss. They had tried the chemo. They had tried other treatments. They had even tried a stem cell treatment. They told my uncle that he really only had two choices. "Choice number one? Do another round of chemo. It could work. Maybe. But, you've had a lot of chemo done already... and your body may not be able to handle another round. Choice number two? We do nothing. You should have a couple of months... look, we're really sorry.... take the weekend.. think about it. Come back in on Monday."
This was on a Friday.
That night, we left my aunt, uncle and cousins in peace to talk and whatever else they wanted to do. But, the next day, we all gathered at my aunts. I felt almost like it was wrong to do that.. as if we were attending a funeral already or something... but, of course, I went. My uncle was there. He was making jokes (that was him. Always joking.). He ate. He drank some iced coffee. Then, as evening came, he started to act a little bit weird... he was saying things that didn't really make a whole lot of sense.. we were all worried, but we thought maybe it was the pain pills he'd been taking or something... Mark and I went home that night after saying good bye to him and telling him we would see him the next day.
I remember Mark and I went to Subway that night and I couldn't eat. How could I? This was just.. tragic.
The next day, Mark, my brother, my brothers girlfriend and I were supposed to go to Niagara Falls. After getting the news about my uncle, though, we had decided to wait and see how things went before we decided for sure if we were going to go or not. That morning, I was in the shower and I asked Mark to call my brother. He did.
I came out of the shower and the look on Marks face told me everything that I needed to know. He was gone. It hadn't been a couple of months. Hell, it hadn't even been a couple of weeks. It had been two days. Two days.
I am not going to write all the details about how he died and what happened directly after, because I know it would be too much for some - understandbly so. All I will say is that he died at home and it was traumatic. Extremely.
I was a mess at the funeral. I remember holding onto my aunt to keep her from falling over. She was shaking so much, it terrified me. My cousin, my uncles son, was looking at me funny... later I asked him why... he said that I had been shaking too.
What followed was weeks of grieving.. sadness.. anger.. all kinds of things. Mark and I went on our California trip because of my aunts insistence, but it was definitely not nearly as fun as it would have been otherwise. I couldn't make peace with the injustice that had happened. It just wasn't fair. It really wasn't.
One night, in September, I was sitting outside and thinking about it. I was angry again. So angry at everything that had gone on. Why? Why had all of this happened? Why had my uncle died at the age of forty one when he had a wife and two young children? I remember starting to cry again and getting so frustrated. I was so tired. And I started talking.. yes, out loud... to my uncle, I guess. I told him what I was thinking and feeling. I told him that I didn't know if I believed in the afterlife or not, but that I was going to be cliche and ask him to send me a sign if he could.
Well... there was never any sign. Not really. Maybe. See... because about thirty seconds after all of that went on.. I started feeling more.. at peace. Oh, I was still angry. I still am angry to this day. And sad. But... something made me calm down and.. get a handle on my emotions. And while I have been sad about what happened every single day, I have not gotten out of control like that again.
Some people may say that was the sign that I asked for. Some may say that it was just the fact that I had finally allowed myself to vent like that. I don't know. But, I do know that on that night I felt peace for the first time since it had happened.
I went to the cemetary last month. I went to my uncles grave and talked to him silently. I thanked him for everything and said some other things. I left him some flowers and then I left.
I said good bye to my uncle on August 18th 2007, thinking I would see him again the next day. I said good bye to him again on the 19th. I said good bye again that night. I said good bye to him again last month. But.. while I have said good bye to him so many times.. I also know that he IS always with us, even if the afterlife does not exist in the traditional sense. And, so... maybe what they say is true.. maybe good byes aren't forever.
That got long.. thank you for reading.
September 21st, 2008
therealljidol - week 0 - introduction post.Who am I... interesting question. I thought I knew exactly who I was. Then, six months ago, my life changed drastically... and I lost sight of myself. Now.. I think I am starting to figure out who I am again - only, I am not exactly the person that I used to think I was!
I'm Steph. My real name is Stephanie, but I am rarely called that.
I am twenty four.
I am a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a best friend, a friend.
I am single. That is still weird for me to say, having just got out of a very long relationship with the person that I thought I was going to marry. I am sure you will hear more about that later, but for now, suffice it to say that though I didn't know it at the time - it was a change for the better.
I am a student. I am an English major and a History minor. I am a singer. I am an actor. I am a writer.
I love TV far too much. Seriously.. I really do waste too many hours a week watching my shows... but I can't seem to stop!
I am Canadian. I love it.
I love New York City. Although, of course, Toronto is my home, I feel a sense of belonging when I am in NYC that makes me know that NYC is my home as well - perhaps in a different way.. but still my home.
I love my family and friends beyond what anyone can imagine. :)
I am moody, social, loyal, kindhearted, compassionate, neurotic, creative, and one of those people who thinks way too much. ;)
I try not to hate - things or people. I feel that it is a waste of energy. That said, there are some (things and people!) that I definitely can do without!
I text way too much. I have a lot of friends who live in the USA and texting is far cheaper than calling.. and far better than emailing!
I am many things - and like I said - I am still in the process of figuring a lot of them out.
Thank you for reading... :)
September 17th, 2008
therealljidol. Yay! :)